Just a Quick Note from S1541

Hey all,

I know I have blasted out a bunch of poetry today and wanted to be sure I practiced full disclosure — some of the poems are complete re-writes of previous poems I have either posted here or on an old blog that I am not writing to anymore.

Many of my poems come to me quickly (between meetings at work, let’s say) and get them down as best I can and clear as I can.  Eventually I go back and re-read them and get the itch to change something — and the result is sometimes a whole new poem.  The entire meaning of the first poem is wiped away and something new springs forth — I have to publish this!  Yes!

So, sorry if you’ve read any of these before in different forms or similar, but brushed up, forms.  I am at least trying to add a new poem a day — or as close to daily as I can. 🙂 Follow through for me is a bit hard. 🙂

So, yeah — thank you!

Depressed and feeling it.

Sorry to anyone that faithfully follows or looks forward to my new poems (is there anyone like that?), as I haven’t been really “with it” since I last had a spate of inspiration.  Since then I have kinda swung into a depressive state and my productivity all around is a bit lacking.

Anyone with major depression or bipolar disorder (I or II) will know what I mean.  It was strange, I could tell something was up.  I found myself unable to really focus or complete tasks straight through without brain-dead periods mixed in.  That’s when I first noticed something was changing.

I was working, sitting my computer entering some data, nothing complicated really, just data entry and found that I had stopped typing and I was just staring at the screen and not thinking about anything.  And it was a struggle, like shaking out a cramp, to get myself to refocus.  This was a few days ago.  I had also been struggling staying with something at home, I would jump from video game to video game, to housework, to just standing there lost as to what to do–very unlike me except when I am in a funk.

I didn’t feel overly depressed at the time, nor for the rest of that day, but I had also noted my memory had gone to shit.  I missed two doctor appointments in one week.  Totally spaced them, reminder calls and everything.  My reaction wasn’t, “Oh no, I missed my appointment”.  It was more like, “Yeah….figures…..” and I didn’t really care at all.  The emotional reaction was one more of relief.  Because I didn’t to have deal with it.  *sigh*

Then yesterday about mid-day, WHAM, I am suddenly a breath away from crying for reason.  Just had an over-riding desire to cry….nothing happened, nothing was said.  Things are work were mellow.  Things at home were great.  Just suddenly I felt a deep sense of sadness and heaviness that I think had been building for some time and I just wasn’t allowing myself to feel it.

I think, also, that I have learned how to compensate during depressive or hypomanic states.  That is, I think I have built up mechanisms to help myself deny I wasn’t feeling right.  Either I lied to myself and tried to say I was tired or whatever, but I found ways to not ‘be depressed’.  A couple years ago that was alcohol, now I am starting to notice how I “feel” at any given moment and it’s tough when depressed.  These also included making sure others don’t see my depression.

So, I want to apologize that I haven’t posted any poetry lately, I will try to get that ball rolling again. I have been working on some songs that will be on my A Feat Aslant page before long.  It’s really some interesting experimental stuff, kinda dark, but that’s to be expected right now.

Thanks for reading.


Time is funny thing….

There are few things I like more than seeing the ‘likes’ and ‘follows’ pile up after I post poems, fiction, or just stuff.  Not because I want to have hundreds of followers, or need the ‘likes’ to validate my existence….but because it is represents another connection with someone I have never met.

Through writing, reading, critiquing we can connect where otherwise we never would have.

So, it’s like birds of a feather flocking together….I follow you, you follow me and we create a great mass of interconnectedness….

And Smiling1541 blathers on….time is a funny thing, I wish I could post daily, and connect to so many more people, but given work and everything else….those connections have to wait…

So hello and welcome to all I have connected, don’t be strangers, critique my stuff, I will critique yours, comments, discuss….and I will do more….time permitting….but time is a funny thing…it sorta drags on now, and then flies away at others….funny….one can never peg down time really.