Just a Quick Note from S1541

Hey all,

I know I have blasted out a bunch of poetry today and wanted to be sure I practiced full disclosure — some of the poems are complete re-writes of previous poems I have either posted here or on an old blog that I am not writing to anymore.

Many of my poems come to me quickly (between meetings at work, let’s say) and get them down as best I can and clear as I can.  Eventually I go back and re-read them and get the itch to change something — and the result is sometimes a whole new poem.  The entire meaning of the first poem is wiped away and something new springs forth — I have to publish this!  Yes!

So, sorry if you’ve read any of these before in different forms or similar, but brushed up, forms.  I am at least trying to add a new poem a day — or as close to daily as I can. 🙂 Follow through for me is a bit hard. 🙂

So, yeah — thank you!

Depressed and feeling it.

Sorry to anyone that faithfully follows or looks forward to my new poems (is there anyone like that?), as I haven’t been really “with it” since I last had a spate of inspiration.  Since then I have kinda swung into a depressive state and my productivity all around is a bit lacking.

Anyone with major depression or bipolar disorder (I or II) will know what I mean.  It was strange, I could tell something was up.  I found myself unable to really focus or complete tasks straight through without brain-dead periods mixed in.  That’s when I first noticed something was changing.

I was working, sitting my computer entering some data, nothing complicated really, just data entry and found that I had stopped typing and I was just staring at the screen and not thinking about anything.  And it was a struggle, like shaking out a cramp, to get myself to refocus.  This was a few days ago.  I had also been struggling staying with something at home, I would jump from video game to video game, to housework, to just standing there lost as to what to do–very unlike me except when I am in a funk.

I didn’t feel overly depressed at the time, nor for the rest of that day, but I had also noted my memory had gone to shit.  I missed two doctor appointments in one week.  Totally spaced them, reminder calls and everything.  My reaction wasn’t, “Oh no, I missed my appointment”.  It was more like, “Yeah….figures…..” and I didn’t really care at all.  The emotional reaction was one more of relief.  Because I didn’t to have deal with it.  *sigh*

Then yesterday about mid-day, WHAM, I am suddenly a breath away from crying for reason.  Just had an over-riding desire to cry….nothing happened, nothing was said.  Things are work were mellow.  Things at home were great.  Just suddenly I felt a deep sense of sadness and heaviness that I think had been building for some time and I just wasn’t allowing myself to feel it.

I think, also, that I have learned how to compensate during depressive or hypomanic states.  That is, I think I have built up mechanisms to help myself deny I wasn’t feeling right.  Either I lied to myself and tried to say I was tired or whatever, but I found ways to not ‘be depressed’.  A couple years ago that was alcohol, now I am starting to notice how I “feel” at any given moment and it’s tough when depressed.  These also included making sure others don’t see my depression.

So, I want to apologize that I haven’t posted any poetry lately, I will try to get that ball rolling again. I have been working on some songs that will be on my A Feat Aslant page before long.  It’s really some interesting experimental stuff, kinda dark, but that’s to be expected right now.

Thanks for reading.

~smiling1541

Time is funny thing….

There are few things I like more than seeing the ‘likes’ and ‘follows’ pile up after I post poems, fiction, or just stuff.  Not because I want to have hundreds of followers, or need the ‘likes’ to validate my existence….but because it is represents another connection with someone I have never met.

Through writing, reading, critiquing we can connect where otherwise we never would have.

So, it’s like birds of a feather flocking together….I follow you, you follow me and we create a great mass of interconnectedness….

And Smiling1541 blathers on….time is a funny thing, I wish I could post daily, and connect to so many more people, but given work and everything else….those connections have to wait…

So hello and welcome to all I have connected, don’t be strangers, critique my stuff, I will critique yours, comments, discuss….and I will do more….time permitting….but time is a funny thing…it sorta drags on now, and then flies away at others….funny….one can never peg down time really.

later.